


Thirst Trapocalypse

by fiveyaaas



Series: The Social Academy [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: (there’s no on-screen sex in the fic at all), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Internet Famous, Kinda, LIKE TO A RIDICULOUS LEVEL, Like super canon divergent, Mutual Pining, Social Media, Social Networking, THIRST TRAPYA RISE, TIKTOKYA RISE, don’t read this expecting smth serious, just know that it’s set in the tua-verse, three shot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:13:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28775901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas
Summary: She hadn’t intended for it to go this far.The problem was- she was starved for affection. Something about seeing the likes pour in had made her smile, and she didn’t think that there was any harm in wanting a little more attention.Of course, that would be the downfall of xoumbrellasevenxo.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: The Social Academy [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2109741
Comments: 15
Kudos: 27





	1. The Thirst Trap

**Author's Note:**

  * For [soitgoes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soitgoes/gifts), [rappaccini](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rappaccini/gifts), [Jazzydemons666](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jazzydemons666/gifts), [Mavrick](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mavrick/gifts), [Luz_Floral](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luz_Floral/gifts), [ellaphunt19](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellaphunt19/gifts), [JjdoggieS](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JjdoggieS/gifts), [sunchime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunchime/gifts).



> This is for soitgoes, rappaccini, Jazzydemons666, Mavrick, Luz_Floral, ellaphunt19, JjdoggieS, and sunchime, who believed in the power of tik tok thirst trap crackfics. 
> 
> PLEASE do not point out that there was no TikTok in 2007. I am old enough to be aware of this, and I WILL just hit you up with a fiveya MySpace AU instead and NOBODY wants to see emo!Five ranking Vanya at the top eight of his friends and oh my god if I keep talking, I’ll write it because I have no self-control………...... 
> 
> (Okay, confession, I started this fic and subsequently this author’s note a while ago, and I now have a cursed MySpace AU that will be the second fic of the “Love in the Cyber Age” series, a collaborative effort by ellaphunt19, JjDoggieS, sunchime and myself, who I’m gifting this work to as well bc I love them!!!!) 
> 
> Also, before you @ me on TikTok comment length, I already KNOW. Anyways, this fic is supposed to be no thoughts, head empty with just a touch of Degrassi: The Next Generation-esque drama. It will be put into three short sections. It’s a crack fic, and I seriously hope you do not burden yourself with thoughts when you read my crack fics. Or, well, with any of my fics lbr.

She hadn’t intended for it to go this far. 

The problem was- she was starved for affection. Something about seeing the likes pour in had made her smile, and she didn’t think that there was any harm in wanting a little more attention. 

Of course, that would be the downfall of _xoumbrellasevenxo_ _.  _

When she had started her TikTok career, it had been a result of wanting to get Five’s attention while he’d been on a six month assignment in Florida. The fact that he’d been in Florida, of all places, was distressing enough. She’d seen enough of the news to know that the place was a gateway to Hell. 

There had also been the fact that she was convinced in the six months that he was gone that he’d forget about her somehow. This was a common fear of hers, coming from years of being rejected by her family. One day, she sometimes worried, Five would find somebody to replace her- a better model of herself than she could ever be. She didn’t think that she could handle losing Five, so she did what any reasonable seventeen-going-on-eighteen-year-old would do when they were threatened by their crush dating somebody else. 

Thus, Umbrella Number Seven was born. Well, okay, technically she had been born seventeen years ago, but nobody recognized her as a member of the Academy before she started her account. 

The videos started out completely innocent, actually. She’d figured that diving right into thirst traps would make her look suspicious. So, she started with videos of her petting the stray dog her and Five had been feeding since he’d started residing in the alley by their home. Five often said his name should be ‘Mr. Pennycrumb,’ but she usually just called him ‘Spot’ because she thought it was much less excessive. He answered to both names. 

After one video with Pennycrumb, the likes rolled in. Vanya, never having anybody say they  _ like  _ her so easily, realized that she didn’t want TikTok just for Five anymore. So, she quickly learned about sounds, following the formatting of all the videos of dogs on there and watching herself slowly become more popular. 

Then, people asked to see  _ her,  _ and she obliged, wanting the attention. 

She had not thought anything of it when she’d worn her Academy uniform in the video. In fact, her username hadn’t even originally  _ been  _ xoumbrellasevenxo, it had just been vanyaharg7, imagining Five would search Vanya’s if he was using TikTok during his time in Florida. However, once people saw her ‘Renegade’ video, they were all commenting, “Oh, my god, nice Umbrella Academy cosplay!” Well, actually some guy named joeroganstan kept commenting, “Fake nerd girls are so fucking annoying. The Umbrella Academy comics canon holds that there’s no Number Seven. 🙄” 

Vanya, not sure who Joe Rogan was or if she was supposed to know, replied, “Actually, the comics canon states that there were 43 people born simultaneously on October 1st, implying that there are 43 people like us, but thanks for watching, anyways! ❤️” 

This led to him commenting a bunch until somebody named user28934798237409 said, “Turn on your location, joeroganstan.” She was 90% certain that meant that  _ Five  _ was watching her videos, so she grew a bit more bold in her actions. 

It was their eighteenth birthday, when Five still had three months left of mission (they’d all been rumored to stay on the mission the entire time, and Allison got a few cars for rumoring them, which Vanya actually really respected, figuring the  _ least _ she deserved for using her powers was a few cars). Vanya felt a little guilty that Five was spending their birthday doing… whatever their mission was, and she felt the least she could do was reward him for dutifully watching her videos. (Well, if he was, in fact, user28934798237409. there wasn’t really any way for her to know that it was him, though she was pretty sure based on the sheer amount of threatening the user with no profile pic or bio or anything else did on a regular basis. In fact, one time during a thirst trap, sapphicbitch96 had said something about her stepping on her, and user28934798237409 had said that she was in a relationship already. Though, she really shouldn’t presume that Five and her were in a relationship just because they kissed each other and cuddled every night he was home and lost their virginity to each other and promised that they would spend the rest of their lives together. Tons of friends did that.)

When she’d made a few alterations on her uniform the day before, it had been completely based on the belief that user28934798237409 was Five, imagining that he would  _ have  _ to come clean to her about who he was once she pulled out the big guns (the big guns being making a much less… distinguished version of the Academy uniform). 

She stood in front of the camera, waiting to turn the video on so she could admire her handiwork. The vest and collared Oxford tea had been fashioned into a crop top, barely covered up by her unbuttoned Academy jacket. Her skirt was hemmed just enough that her underwear wouldn’t show, and she’d drawn an umbrella and a number  _ 5  _ against either of her hip bones. If Five didn’t respond to this, she would assume that user28934798237409 was  _ not  _ actually Five, and just a very devoted stalker. 

A thought occurred to her, that she didn’t have to just make a video. She could go  _ live _ to her 57,000 followers, watch the outpouring of love in comments as they came. Vanya could be a  _ star,  _ and nobody would ever dare call her ordinary again, not when she was a superhero in her own right. (Side note: she should make her superhero name be The Thirst Trap to match the other’s superhero name formatting. It would still be a better name than The Kraken.)

Making her decision, knowing that this would be a turning point for her, she turned on the live feed. 


	2. The Florida Man

Five hadn’t  _ wanted  _ to go on a six month long trip to Florida. For one thing, it was  _ Florida,  _ home of Disney World and the gateway to Hell. (Some might argue that those were the same thing.) The problem, however, was that he didn’t know if he could handle leaving all of the people he grew up with behind without at least  _ telling  _ them. Vanya had encouraged him to go on this last mission, that they’d have the rest of their lives together once he came back and took them away. He’d already gotten into the college of his choice, and she planned to work on her writing and finding students to tutor for the first year or two. 

It would have been wrong if he hadn’t even said goodbye, and Vanya had been okay with it. Or, at least that’s what he’d thought when he’d left. Then, in a moment of panic, he’d started scouring through every social media he could possibly find, trying to see if she was present at all on any of them. Though he could have messaged her, he also knew that texting would be a lot easier to figure out for Reginald than using any social media apps ever could. He wouldn’t be able to speak to her in any direct way, or he’d risk her accidentally admitting their plans and the Monocle finding out. 

Five wasn’t  _ trying  _ to be elusive. He simply didn't know  _ how  _ to change his name from user28934798237409, not necessarily any better at understanding how to use apps than Reginald. Though he could tell by the way Vanya responded to him (for any of the comments she  _ did  _ respond to) that she wasn’t entirely certain who he was. It wasn’t like he could give any indication via direct messaging, and he didn’t know how to work the app well enough to give any clues in other places, either. 

Though he hadn’t intended hurting Vanya in any way, just trying to reassure her that he was there for her if she needed him (and,  _ occasionally,  _ trying to figure out how to find the location of anybody that he worried might pose a threat to Vanya), he couldn’t help but think that she was punishing him right now. Clearly, she’d been trying to provoke him in some way, based on the  _ 5s  _ against her hip bones. Unless she’d drawn them on for some other reason, but he couldn’t fathom what that reason could possibly be. 

He typed out a question, still confused as to how she could possibly be getting away with walking around in  _ this  _ at the mansion. Surely Grace would have said something about it, right? Then again, he had no idea what the mansion was like when they were gone, so maybe this was just what she wore during those times, when there weren’t any uniform checks to worry about. (He’d long since gotten into the habit of adjusting his tie, aware that if the Academy uniform was even the slightest bit altered, he could be severely punished.) It wasn’t like Five would ever argue with her choices in clothing, but he just figured that she’d been uncomfortable in skirts, let alone  _ this.  _

“Uh, yeah, I’m comfortable, user number two eight nine three four seven nine eight two three seven—”

**You’re welcome to just use #5, you know.**

Blushing, Vanya cleared her throat. “Right, well—”

Another commenter said,  _ ‘Gross, wouldn’t ‘Seven’ be the sibling to Five?’ _

And then, another added,  _ ‘Isn’t she gay anyways?’ _

“I mean, I’m bisexual,” Vanya blurted quickly. “At least, I’m pretty sure that I am. And… no. We’re not siblings. Five and I were raised together, but it’s just like a… military school meets a cult meets an orphanage. Not a family.”

**Besides, who the fuck cares what you think?**

She frowned at the camera, clearly able to see his comment before chirping, “Right. So, does anybody have any questions or anything?”

Scanning through the comments quickly, she grinned when she saw one, from him, asking about Mr. Pennycrumb. “Yeah, he’s doing okay. Though I have always preferred the name ‘Spot’ for him.”

Five found himself grinning, typing a quick reply, explaining that Spot was not  _ nearly _ a unique enough name for a dog as fascinating as him. 

“I bet you’d get along with my best friend.” Seeing Vanya’s smile (the same sweet, shy one she’d offer him when they sat at their favorite spot in the library together) assured him that, though she’d been mad at him for whatever reason, she wasn’t mad at him any longer. Clearly, she’d figured out who he was at this point, adding, “I miss him a lot. He’s been gone for a little bit, and I can’t wait to see him again.”

He wished that he could assure her that it would just be a little bit more time, but the truth was, he’d struggled every day that he hadn’t spent without her. It was a pressing ache within him, and he was at his wit’s end. Five wondered if she would be annoyed if he wrote a (somewhat) kind goodbye note, but he already knew the answer. 

Maybe he’d just have to say goodbye to their face, before he went home and got her out of the mansion. It wouldn’t be  _ ideal,  _ but it wasn’t like any parting words to them possibly  _ could _ be. As much as they all annoyed him on a daily basis and as much as Seven would  _ always  _ be his favorite, he did still  _ love _ them. 

His best friend needed him, though, and he was an adult now. There was no reason that he  _ had  _ to be on the team, now that he was legally able to leave the mansion and support himself. As soon as he took her away, they could get started on the life that came  _ after  _ the Academy. 

Anxious to do so, he wrote a quick goodbye to Vanya before he blinked away to meet the rest of the others, mentally planning what, exactly, he was going to say. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this does imply Five left the Academy because he was too horny to stay. Thank you for reading, and I’ll probably finish _this_ fic somewhat soon, and I’m going to also post my r/relationships fic in like... maybe a month? Idk? As well as this, the following fics will be updated within an hour or so: he wore black and i wore white (he would always win the fight), Like Lightning in a Bottle (Can’t Let You Go Now That I Got It), and Little Dark Age.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this WILL be a series of unrelated crack fic social media AUs, but I cannot confirm how many will be in here. That being said, these are just going to be fics I write when I want to take a break from my WIPs for a second lmao. Thank you for reading!!!


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